Nightmare Central
by eloquentelegance
Summary: Welcome to Kitayume Kindergarten! Where the poor Lithuanian teacher is underpaid, the Latvian aid keeps fainting, and the kids-That is not a toy! No! How'd you get on the ceiling! Alfred... Just. No.
1. Chapter 1

The car screeched into the school's parking lot. Scaring a few students and horrifying a lot of parents. Didn't the driver know there was a speed limit? 5 miles per hour only! There were children around!

Gilbert very well knew there were children around. It was a goddamned school, elementary at that, of course there would be children around! He was also very aware of the bold sign proclaiming the speed limit. He could read, thank you very much! But there _is_, as shocking as it may sound, a difference between _reading_ the rules and actually _following_ them.

As of currently, Gilbert was pissed. Barely sober. With a pounding hangover. He could care less about some shitty rule and damn all who call him on it.

"Vati, I think your left front wheel is on the sidewalk. And I'm pretty sure we ran over a squirrel a few ways back." His son, used to his crazy driving, calmly pointed out.

"As long as it wasn't some chick, I don't care." Gilbert grumbled.

Ludwig rolled his eyes. His father was hopeless. Really, he should've put his foot down. Drinking with Francis and Antonio never ended well. Now look, he was caught up in his mess too.

"Vati, why do I have to go to preschool? I thought you were going to home tutor me."

"Relax, kiddo. It's only for one semester. You can deal, right? I know you can. You're my boy after all. The awesome-ness runs in your veins too." Gilbert assured him.

Ludwig peered out at all the different kids. There were so many of them! And he didn't know anybody. He was starting to think this was a really bad idea.

"Well, well. Look who's here! So you did come, mon cheri? I thought for certain you would cop out." A voice spoke seductively.

Gilbert unclasped his seat belt and purposefully opened his car door with a bang. Succesfully slamming his greeter's nose with the metal frame.

"Oops, so sorry. Didn't see you there, Francis." Gilbert stated, slipping out of his seat.

"Mon dieu!" Francis cried out, clutching his bleeding nose. "I thinb you'b broke somebing!"

"Don't be such a baby!" Gilbert huffed, turning to Ludwig. "This is exactly the kind of acting I do not want to see. You're not some French whore like some people!"

"You'b bust mab thab I oub drank you." Francis chuckled.

Gilbert's eye twitched as he lunged towards the blond man. Ludwig, slipping out of the car himself, sighed heavily as his father wrestled with his drinking buddy.

"Loud aren't they?"

Ludwig looked to his left and nodded in greeting at Antonio.

The Spaniard chuckled, "Good to see you, Ludwig. I see your father's as lively as ever. I hope he hasn't forgotten this _is_ a school. He's making a large commotion."

Jabbing his thumb, Ludwig followed Antonio's gaze and realized, with a great deal of embarassment, the crowd forming. Hushed, uneasy whispers rippling through. Oh, if only the ground would swallow him. Sometimes, he wished he and Gilbert weren't related.

"How barbaric! Fighting like animals! In front of children, no less!" Someone declared, his voice rising over the others.

Francis and Gilbert paused in their fighting. Looking up to see who openly criticized them. An Austrian man was singled out. The crowd parting before him so as not to get caught in the mess soon to follow.

"You got something to say, pretty boy?" Gilbert pressed, picking himself off the ground.

"I am simply stating that this is a highly respected institution. And that you morons should take your fighting elsewhere!" The Austrian man chastised, as if he was berating some retarded child.

"What gives you any right to order me around? I am Gilbert Weillschmidt and I am awesome! Which is a fat lot more than you'll ever be!" Gilbert haughtily cackled. "And besides, whatever makes you think I would ever step foot in an _elementary_ school, of all places, for no reason? I'm dropping off my son, see?"

He waved at Ludwig's general direction. And with Ludwig being the only child in sight, it didn't leave much of a doubt. The boy groaned. Why was he related to this man? Why?!

"You're just jealous of my five meters! That's it, isn't it? Penis envy!" Gilbert taunted.

The Austrian man turned an incredible shade of red. Almost impossible to recreate. Before storming off in a huff. Saying something about a piano, and Chopin.

"HA! Look at him, run! The prissy boy!"

"Oi! Don't bess him ub!" Francis groaned, still laying dead on the sidewalk. "He hab a nice bace. Be a shabe to ruin ib, non?"

"Nobody cares about your perverted escapades!" Gilbert snapped back.

"Um, guys?" Antonio piped up, cutting through the returning tension. "Class is about to start in... five minutes. Shouldn't you be dropping off Ludwig, Gilbert?"

Gilbert scowled. "What about your kids?"

"We, as in Francis and I, got here first, so they're already in the classroom. Let me warn you right now, it's hell in there." Antonio answered.

"Great Fritz! Why did I allow you to talk me into this?"

"Five bottles ob beer certainly helbs." Francis struggled to his feet. "On bhe bright side, bhe teacher books hot."

"Nobody asked you Francis!" Gilbert snapped back. Marching over to Ludwig, and glaring down at the boy. "Alright, so I'll be leaving you here. Good luck. You're going to need it."

"Thanks Vati. That's just so reassuring." Ludwig massaged the bridge of his nose.

"Then come on! We got to get to your classroom don't we?" Gilbert urged, turning on his heel. "Now be sure to have fun. Let everyone know that you are awesome! You are a Weillschmidt, and that's final. Oh, and if I ever learn you got into a fight. I better be learning that you won, understood?"

Gilbert looked over his shoulder at the still exasperated Ludwig.

"Yes, Vati." He muttered. " Like I could forget ."

"Good! Then let's get this show on the road!" Gilbert proclaimed, walking towards the first door he sees.

Antonio smled confusedly, pointing at a completely different door. "Uh, Gil? The classroom is that way?"

Gilbert paused in turning the door knob. About-facing quickly. "I totally knew that!"

Antonio and Francis shared a look. Ludwig smacking his forehead with his open palm. Same old, same old.


	2. Chapter 2

Upon finding the correct doorway, the trio, and Ludwig, journeyed down the crowded hallways. And boy was it crowded. Frantic teachers desperately tried to keep their newly formed classes in line. Yeah, good luck with that. While students were smushed together like sardines in a can.

It wasn't pretty. There was fighting. And kicking. And nasty name calling. Some of the kids were getting pretty rowdy too. But really, none could compare as Gilbert fought through the mass of children. The albino believed if he wasn't careful, he'd step on one of those little suckers. Then, what would happen?

Trouble that's what! And it really didn't help that when he pushed aside one kid, three others would take his place. It was driving Gilbert up the wall.

Luckily, Antonio, who mysteriously managed to skirt the crowd (children's pedophile senses...tingling!), finally stopped at an innocent looking doorway. It was painted a light pink color. Though really, the paint could've been a dark crimson for how much it had faded.

Somebody was trying real hard to make the thing kid-friendly. There were foam-made butterflies fluttering on a breeze made of yarn. There was construction paper!lollipops lining the bottom, with equally fake grass. And who could forget the smiley faces?

It was like Barney threw up on the door, or something. Fitting, Gilbert would have to agree. Because only a sinister door could hide the evil things lurking in that room.

Antonio reached for the doorknob.

"Wait!" Gilbert cried. "I'm not ready to die! I'm still a virgin!"

"No, your not!" Francis snapped. He had managed to wipe all the blood from his nose. (The teacher will never have to know he swiped her handkerchief from her back pocket... Nice ass by the way) "How do you explain Ludwig, then?"

"He was adopted." Gilbert replied, bluntly.

"I was WHAT?!" Ludwig screeched.

"Relax, he's joking." Antonio assured the hyper-ventilating five-year-old. Then turning to Gilbert, shook his head fondly. "Are you the kindergartner here, or is Ludwig? Quit being such a baby!"

"You're only saying that because this must be heaven for you! How did they even let you in?! I'm pretty sure you already have a long record for child molestation!" Gilbert snapped, hotly.

"Ssh! Not so loud!" Antonio playfully winked. "Are we going to do this or what?"

"Vous êtes un homme, sont vous non?" Francis quipped.

"I don't know what you said, but I'm pretty sure it was an insult." Gilbert grumbled, heaving a deep breath. "Fine, let's do this shit."

Summoning all his courage, will power, and idiocy (cause really, no _smart_ man would do this), Gilbert kicked down the door. Almost tore down the hinges.

"I. Have. Arrived!" He announced proudly. And loudly.

Not that anybody could hear. With the chaos the room was in? They'd be lucky if they heard cannon fire. Sadly enough, Gilbert's announcement was reserved to the few people hanging by the doorway. Fortunate for Ludwig though. He still had a chance for a decent reputation!

"Yes, we can see that." A beautiful Hungarian woman replied tartly. She had just recently arrived. Along with her husband, who had gone out on a short trip. Bathroom break. It's already been ten minutes, but knowing her husband... He must've gotten lost again.

Gilbert turned in her direction, eyeing the woman up and down. Huh, not a bad looker. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all.

"And who might you be, sweet cheeks?" Gilbert smoothly asked. "Why don't we get acquainted somewhere private? How does that sound?"

"It sounds like torture. And I'm pretty sure we outlawed torture." The woman answered, returning her attention back to her kid.

Gilbert sent a sly look over his shoulder. "She likes me."

"Yes, and I'm the Queen of France." Francis replied, through chortles.

"With all the prancing you do around? I wouldn't be surprised." Gilbert snapped back.

"You're just jealous of my beauty."

"If that's what you call beautiful, I don't want to know what you call ugly."

"What are you talking about, mon petite chou? You see it everyday when you look into the mirror!"

"Guys!" Antonio cut in, before the tension rose further. A fight in the parking lot was okay. But a fight in the classroom? Torches and pitch forks. And a lot of angry parents.

Gilbert and Francis shot each other a glare, before huffing and turning away. Ludwig rolled his eyes. He sometimes wondered if he lived in a backwards sort of world where the older you get, the more immature you become.

But taking stock of his new classmates, Ludwig saw about ten or so counter-arguments disproving his theory.

Namely, the boy in the blue, red, and white spandex.

"Why did I let you dress yourself?" A man, Ludwig assumed to be the boy's father, groaned. He had a sour scowl on his face, and the largest, fuzziest eyebrows Ludwig had ever seen. Were they alive? OH! He just saw one move!

"What?! What's wrong with my Captain America costume? It's cool isn't it? It's only the greatest outfit ever!" The boy stood firm, stomping his foot.

"You look like a bloody wanker." His father replied. "Look, if this is a call for attention, I'm sorry work's been busy lately. But the grocery bills have been off the charts!"

"And I'm okay with that, you go do your thing dad! I'll be fine!" The boy assured.

"You are certain?"

"Dad! I'll be okay! I'm the HERO! And heroes don't have daddies worrying over their shoulder. Just go already!" The boy was using physical force this time. Pushing at his father's legs, trying to get his father to move.

"If you ever get into any trouble, don't hesistate to call me okay? My cellphone is always on! If you want me to pick you up early, just ask the teacher and--!" The father reminded, halfway to the door now. His son must've been pretty strong to manhandle an adult like that.

"Dad! Just. GO!" The boy gave one final push before being satisfied with his father's distance. "Iloveyou!Seeyouafterclass!Bye!"

And in that rush tumble of words, the boy waved a fond farewell. Returning back into the fray that was a large dogpile of kindergartners. A hand was sticking out from under the moving hill of children.

A frazzled little boy was tugging at said hand. His hair in a bowl-cut, with eyes squeezed shut behind black-framed glasses. He was screaming, "LAAAAAAATVIAAA!"

Ludwig blinked at the scene. Yep. This was weird.


	3. Chapter 3

"Papa!" A voice cheered, a yellow blur dashing into Francis's awaiting arms.

"Ah, mon ange! Did you miss me already?" Francis teased, embracing the child.

"A little... Oui." The child replied shyly, burying into the crook of his papa's neck.

"Come, come now, mon petit. I'd like you to meet someone." Francis set the boy back unto the floor, gesturing at Ludwig. "He's going to be your classmate from now on."

Ludwig studied the boy in front of him. This wasn't their first meeting. Their fathers being as close as they were, the two often caught glimpses of each other. But never were they formally introduced.

"My name is Ludwig, honored to meet you." Ludwig began stiffly. He was never one for talk, and never would be. It comes from years of seeing his father stick his foot in his mouth, and watching the painful consequences unfold. With trauma like that, Ludwig was always careful with his words.

"H-Hi. I'm Mat-Matthew. It's so nice to-to finally meet you." Matthew stuttered.

The boy had a weak countenance, none of the flamboyant flair of Francis. And for that Ludwig was grateful. In fact, the only thing of Matthew's that he could relate to Francis, was the hair. Matthew's blond, wavy hair was exactly like Francis's. And that was as far as the resemblance went.

"This is Kumajirou. He says-He says hi too." Matthew held up a fluffy, white teddy bear, waving one of it's arms.

"What the hell? Your kid still carries a stuffed toy around? Don't tell me, he wets the bed too?" Gilbert guffawed.

"Naw, that's my kid." Antonio replied, before Francis could.

"Antonio, you bastard!" A voice yelled, managing to carry over the cacophony of noise.

"Ah, speak of the devil." Antonio fondly stated, turning to greet his kid. "Hello Lovi--NO!"

Antonio was rudely cut off, when instead of hugging the Spaniard, Lovino delivered a solid, flying headbutt right into his chest.

THUD!

It looked painful and Ludwig was pretty sure he heard something crack.

"OW!" Antonio whimpered. "What was that for, Lovi?"

"You signed me up in the wrong class! All the kids here are two years younger than me!" Lovino cried, outraged.

"No, no. See, kindergarten includes children ages four to six. And well, you're six Lovino. You're not old enough to be in first grade quite yet." Antonio explained.

"Shut up, you bastard! I don't want to hear any of your excuses!" Lovino exclaimed, beating at Antonio's arm.

Gilbert smirked. "Heh. I like your attitude kid. You got guts."

Lovino paused in his actions, looking skeptically at Gilbert. His eyes narrowing as he stared suspiciously at the man. "Who're you?"

"I am Gilbert, the Awesome. And this is Ludwig, he'll be your classmate from now on. I'm sure you two can learn a thing or two from each other." Gilbert cackled, thumping at Ludwig's back.

Lovino took one look at Ludwig, before turning away in a huff. "Potato head."

Ludwig twitched.

"Aw, what? You going to take that lying down, boy?" Gilbert taunted his son. "Go on, show him who's boss!"

"Gilbert, I know you are an idiot. And I know that you cannot help it. But really, goading children to fight is just plain stupid." Francis put a comforting hand on Gilbert's shoulder. "It's okay. That's what friend's are for right? I'm sure modern medicine will find a cure for your idiocy soon."

"Don't touch me, you whore!" Gilbert roughly shoved Francis away.

"What? I've always thought Gilbert's idiocy was incurable." Antonio quipped.

"Don't you start too!" Gilbert raged.

"Chill out, kay? I'm pretty sure violence isn't the answer to everything." Antonio replied.

"No, it's just the answer for everything important." Gilbert snapped back. "They have to work it out like men. And men talk with their fists!"

Gilbert turned to Ludwig. "Are you a man, son?"

"Vati, I'm five-years-old." Ludwig answered bluntly.

"That's plenty old!" Gilbert crowed. "Now, remember! Always keep your hands up! Cover that face, cause as cool as battle scars can be, it's better if they're not on your face. We want to looked ragged, not deformed! And-and-!"

Ludwig heaved a heavy sigh. Tuning his father out, seeing that everybody already had. Opting, instead, to return to his survey of the classroom. Drinking in the sights, the sounds, and good god what was that smell?

As of right now, the class was divided into three different categories. Well four, if Ludwig counted him and present company.

First were the parents with the clingy children. Ludwig watched as a fairly young Chinese man (woman?) vainly tried to pry off his (her?) son. He couldn't understand a word they were saying, but they were loud and causing the most racket.

The Chinese man (well, he had no boobs so...) had two children. Only one of them was causing trouble. A boy, looking to be a little younger than Ludwig, clung to the man's leg for dear life. He was wailing, and even if he couldn't understand the language, Ludwig was pretty sure the boy was incoherent. Sounding more like a banshee's screeching than anything else. He was pretty sure the boy's tone rose into pitches only dogs' could hear. Ludwig immediately felt sorry for any dog near by.

The other child, a boy older than Ludwig, looked as if he wanted to say something. He tried to get a word edgewise, but when given the oppurtunity, the boy would simply shut his mouth. As if judging that it wasn't the appropriate time.

It wasn't just the Chinese man having trouble. There was a big, hulking, Slavic giant pressing down upon a poor terrified brunette. Gathering from his frilly, white apron, Ludwig theorized the brunette to be the teacher. He was right.

"You will take care of my precious Natalia, won't you Mr. ah, what was it? Ah yes, Mr. Toris Lorinaitis." The Slavic (Russian) murmured threateningly. Drawing to his full considerable height and staring down at the weakly smiling Toris. "She will be your top priority, da?"

"I-I assure you, Mr. Braginsky. Your daughter will be in safe hands." Toris replied, holding his hands up defensively.

"Good, very good. Otherwise if I see a scratch on my darling girl's face...There will be, how you say..." Mr. Braginsky trailed off for a moment. Pulling out a lead pipe from out of nowhere and smacking it idly on the palm of his hand. "Trouble. Oh yes, lots of trouble."

Toris lost what little color he had on his face. His eyes following the lead pipe's motion. Up. And down. Up. And down. Already picturing it beating his prone body.

Mr. Braginsky followed the man's gaze to his (weapon?) tool, and chortled amusedly. "I do not mean this as a threat, comrade. I am a plumber. This is just one of my work things."

Toris couldn't help but wonder if Mr. Braginsky brought his work things with him everywhere. They were at an elementary school, for crying out loud!! Who brings a potential weapon to school?!

For some odd reason, the Hungarian woman suddenly sneezed.

Mr. Braginsky then pulled back, his previous menacing aura gone. Replaced by an innocent smile and demeanor, all but betrayed by his still hulking stature.

At first glance, Ludwig would have classified Mr. Braginsky in the second category. If it wasn't for the little scene at his and his daughter's parting.

Mr. Braginsky kneeled down to hug his daughter. A pretty thing with a frail frame, quite unlike her father. She was dressed in a dark blue dress, with a cute bow sitting a top her head. The picture of innocence, had it not been for that terrifying scowl of hers.

"Отец, please don't leave! I don't want you to leave!" Little Natalia pleaded, scowl still firmly in place.

"I'm sorry, Дорогая моя. But I can't take you with me to work. You were scaring all our clients. Please stay here, I'll be back after school. I promise." Mr. Braginsky assured his daughter, standing up once more.

He turned to Toris, menacing aura back in full swing. One could hear him laughing something akin to "kolkolkolkolkolkolkol". Toris swallowed loudly.

Shoving a business card into the bruenette's hand, Mr. Braginsky walked off towards the exit, calling over his shoulder. "Call me sometime, da?"

Toris stared numbly at the man's retreating back. Puzzled among other things, when a heated glare brought his attention back into the classroom. He looked down to see Natalia shooting him deadly stares. If looks could kill...

"Aww, aren't you a cute thing? I can see why your dad would be so overprotective!" Toris cooed, smiling. What a difference this child was to her father!

"Did you do your hair yourself? It looks--!"

Natalia took this oppurtunity to kick the man, hard, in the shins. Causing poor Toris to crumple unto the floor in pain. For good measure, now that the target was easily in reach, Natalia also kicked his balls. Ludwig winced. That had got to hurt.

With no one stopping her, little Natalia raced after her father. A determined gleam in her eyes, not unlike a predator with its prey.

When Mr. Braginsky saw his child rushing at him like a bat out of hell, he frantically dashed towards the door. Ducking through the opening and slamming it shut.

Natalia was not to deterred. Pounding then clawing at the door, nails scraping, actually peeling off the paint, as she wailed.

"I want to be with Отец! I want to be with Отец!"

It was like a scene from a horror movie. Ludwig shuddered. The girl was insane! She took clingy to a whole new level! Really, the media always focuses on the horrifying child abuse stories, but nobody looks twice at a parent abuse story. Like this one. She was the poster child for parent abuse.

Shaking himself free of such thoughts, Ludwig moved on to the second category of people. A fairly large group, with a few prominent examples. That is to say extreme examples. Three to be exact.

The roles were the complete reversal of category one. Clingy/Embarassing!Parents with frustrated!children. The boy in spandex being the prime example. His father was reduced to sitting in the corner, watching depressedly as his son interacted with the children. Wondering when, oh when, did his little boy grow up? Look at him, being so independent. He didn't need his daddy anymore...

But the poor guy just couldn't find it in him to leave just yet. Despite how painful staying was. Ludwig wondered if this meant the guy was a masochist… That could certainly explain the eyebrows…

The next example was, well, Lovino. The boy was definitely frustrated (though in what way, Ludwig had yet to figure out). His ire at Antonio had risen again, and was now using the man's chest as a punching bag. It was really quite obvious that Lovino wanted the man gone... But there were some lingering punches that strayed. As if Lovino wanted to cling unto the Spaniard, and never let go.

Or it could be a trick of the light, maybe Ludwig was hallucinating, because the next second Lovino was punching Antonio again. Mercilessly.

The third example was not as noticeable as the first two. Although Ludwig was pretty sure he heard the phrases, "Why won't you die?" or "I wish you would die" or plain, old-fashioned "DIE!!"

It was all coming from a tiny Greek boy who was glaring daggers at his caretaker. A rough, scraggly man... With a mask? Ludwig looked again. Yup. It was a mask. Should he be surprised? Well, there's a little five-year-old boy running around in spandex. Really, should he be surprised? No. But Ludwig was startled anyways.

Though he shouldn't be, in all honesty. He's seen weirder things. He lives with Gilbert of all people. And the things that man does when he hasn't drank his morning coffee… Actually he was trying to repress those memories right?

The Greek boy had now leveled up to shouting obscenities. And to Ludwig's dismay, the father retaliated with a few colorful curses of his own.

"You motherfucker!" The boy screamed.

"Well, duh kid. I'm your Dad! It's practically my job!" The man replied.

"Go to Hell!"

"I'm already there you bastard!"

Ludwig felt his ears bleeding.

For the sake of his own sanity, Ludwig moved on to the third and final category. His favorite, the sane!parents with equally sane!kids. Now this was a very small group. Actually consisting of only two examples. Well three, counting Francis and Matthew. But Francis wasn't sane. That was like saying the moon was made of cheese. Or that human personifications of countries existed! It was simply preposterous!

So no, Francis didn't fall under the the third category. Sorry Matthew.

One of the examples was a little boy, younger than Ludwig, and his family. Now Ludwig had to double-take, just to make sure his eyes weren't playing tricks on him. But the boy really did look a lot like spandex!boy's father. Well, they had similar eyebrows… But in any case, the boy and his two caretakers looked very ideal.

The three were laughing and talking. Acting as if World War III wasn't currently happening in the classroom. No, no. They were oblivious. Patting the little boy on the head, smiling… Well one of the caretakers were smiling. The other one… He looked menacing to put it bluntly. Maybe he was a bodyguard? Ludwig's seen one of those on TV. They're suppose to protect really important people. And they're always frowning, and scary, and they never talk. Which is exactly what the man was doing. Maybe the boy and his father were really important people?

Ludwig decided he would find out later, before switching over to the final example.

The Hungarian woman and a little girl. Now Ludwig was a little bit puzzled. Who was the woman and what was her relationship with the little girl? Could they be sisters? But the woman looked too old. Who could she be, he wondered.

He decided he would find out later. But he felt if there was anyone deserving of being placed into the third category, it would be this two. Albeit Ludwig wasn't sure if they were a family per se, they definitely looked sane. And happy. Couldn't forget happy.

The woman was cradling the girl into her chest. Saying the girl was just too cute and precious. And the little girl smiled. Ludwig felt his breath catch in his throat. She was really pretty._ Really_ pretty. He blushed. And he was going to be classmates with her?

"Oi, Ludwig! Are you listening to me?" Gilbert huffed, swatting the boy upside the head. He had finished his rant some time ago. And was a little irritated that he received no reply. But when the boy failed to answer, even with the smacking, Gilbert followed Ludwig's gaze. And smirked. Oh his kid did take after him after all! Whoo. He was getting worried there for a second.

"Would you look at that? My son's all grown up! I can still remember when I was changing diapers. You were a stinky little--!" Gilbert cried crocodile tears. Making dramatic wailing noises, as he pretended to dab his eyes with a non-existant hanky.

That caught Ludwig's attention. "Vati!"

"Hey, I had to get your attention somehow!" Gilbert replied. "But I guess you were too busy crushing to notice dear, old dad."

"You're not old. And you've never been dear."

"Oh, that just hurts. Right here. And here. Did I hit a sore spot champ?"

Ludwig scowled. He did not appreciate his father teasing him.

Gilbert allowed his grin to widen. "Now listen boy, and listen well. If there's one thing you will learn from life, it is this. Women are the most complicated and absurd creature you will ever have the displeasure of meeting. They will string you along and eat your heart out. So be careful, boy! Always show the little woman, who's the man. Got it? So show that little girl just what a man is, okay?"

Ludwig felt his face heat up, all the way to his ears. "VATI!!!"

Gilbert cackled.

Toris, after lying on the ground, writhing in pain for quite some time, finally managed to pull himself together. He smoothed out his clothes, gathering his bearings. Peeking at the clock, he was startled to realize how late it had gotten and clapped his hands together. Calling for attention.

"Alright, parents. I'm sorry but it's time for you to take your leave." Toris smiled apologetically. "Class will be starting."

And that's when all hell broke loose.

Those four words seemed to echo ominously in the classroom. The occupants falling into a hushed silence. The calm before the storm.

The clock struck eight. A shrill bell whined over the P.A. system, signalling the start of school. Toris frowned. Oh, if he did not get these parents out of the room, class would never start.

The bell seemed to awaken a few from their stupor. Namely Im Yong Soo, who began to screech and yell louder. As impossible as that may sound. Kiku gingerly covered his ears.

"No! Yao-hyung!! I-I-I don't want you to-to LEAVE!!" Yong Soo bawled, liquid leaking from every orifice. Tears from his eyes, snot from his nose, and spittle from his mouth. And he wiped _all_ of that on Yao's pants, burying his face on the elder's knee.

These were Yao's favorite pants too. Yao sighed. "That's disgusting, aru! Will you grow up? Look at Kiku, aru! He's being nice and quiet! Can't you follow your brother's example, aru?"

"But-But-But-!" Im Yong Soo hiccuped.

Yao grabbed a hold from under Yong Soo's armpits, lifting the tiny boy up. He leveled with his adopted son. "I'll be back after school, aru. I promise. You've got nothing to worry about."

Yong Soo sniffled. "You-You promise?"

"Of course, aru." Yao dropped a kiss on the boy's forehead. "Now be good for the teacher, aru!"

Placing Yong Soo back on the floor, Yao smiled. He patted Kiku on the head. A little disappointed his other adopted son wasn't showing the least bit of sadness. But he supposed Kiku was just introverted.

"I'll be going now." Yao headed for the doorway. Waving over his shoulder.

"Bye Yao-hyung!!" Yong Soo shouted, waving frantically back.

"Bye, aniki." Kiku quietly responded.

Yao grinned a little. Ah, well. That was better than nothing he supposed.

Following his lead, were several other parents. Tino and Berwald offered parting words of wisdom. The same usual, cliche things parents said. Obey the teacher. Play nice with others. And if a random girl, with a crazed look in her eye, asks you if you ship Russia x Switzerland. Don't answer them and just walk away. Fangirls are dangerous, you know?

Yup. Same old, schtick.

"Don't worry, about Peter. Peter will be fine." Peter replied, beaming.

"We know. Your father and I will pick you up at the courtyard okay?" Tino smiled. Oh, his little boy was just growing up too fast.

Peter nodded before shooing his parents away.

The couple waved goodbye, journeying for the door, closely followed by Elizaveta. The Hungarian woman was taking her leave as well. Hugging little Feli one last time.

"Aw, my darling Feli. You are just so cute! I'll bet you'll be beating the boys off with a stick!" She squealed. "If you ever find a nice boy that you like, don't be afraid to bring him home okay? I'll work it out with your Papa."

Feli wrinkled _her_ brow. "Her" because she was girl, right? She was wearing a dress after all. And only girls wore dresses. At least to her understanding. Though admittedly, her understanding was very limited. Like for example, why would she bring a boy home? And why would Papa not like it?

In the end, she settled for nodding happily. "Okay, Mama."

"Ah! I just can't bear to leave you!!" Elizaveta cried before finally putting Feli on the floor. "Now Mama has to go find Papa, kay?"

"Is Papa lost again?"

"I'm afraid so." Really, that husband of hers. "I'll pick you up after school, alright?"

"Yup. Bye Mama!"

"Bye Feli!" Elizaveta chirped, walking over to the exit.

Toris watched the parent-child interactions with fondness. This was why he became a kindergarten teacher after all. He adored children.

Unfortunately, time's a-wasting. He'd better get the parents moving. But they all seemed to be crowding the doorway...? What's the hold up?

Walking over, the Lithuanian found the source of the blockage. Little Natalia was still pressed up against the door. Firmly pounding on it.

He grimaced. How could he forget?

He immediately rushed over, pulling up the squawking child. Ignoring with all his might, as the girl struggled fiercely in his hands. Biting. Yowling. Kicking. Screaming. Like some sort of caged animal.

The poor girl must really miss her father.

Toris thought it was adorable for a child to have that much love for her parent. And therefore found it excusable. Apologizing, in the still struggling child's place, as the parents walked out.

"Whew." Gilbert came up to Toris, clapping a hand on the teacher's shoulder. Eyeing Natalia in all her snarling glory. "Let me tell you right now...I do not envy you."

"I do." Antonio chimed in.

"'Course you would, you freak." Gilbert snapped.

"I'm sure, I'll be fine." Toris answered. Cheerfully grinning as he placed Natalia on the ground. Trying hard to contain a flinch, as she kicked him in the shin again. The girl running off.

"Che, if you say so." Gilbert shrugged. Turning to his son. "Oi, Ludwig! I'm leaving!"

"I can see that, Vati. I have eyes." Ludwig retorted.

"Cheeky brat." He grumbled before switching his gaze back to Toris. Puffing out his chest. "My son."

"He takes after you." Toris politely replied.

"You bet he does!"

Francis rubbed the bridge of his nose, tearing Toris away from Gilbert's grip. Taking the teacher aside, he whispered into the man's ear. "Listen. This job is going to be stressful, non? So if you ever, ah, need to take out your frustrations. Say with a little wine and a lovely hotel. You can always count on me, mon cheri."

Toris pulled away, horrified. "Sir, are you insinuating--?"

Francis winked. "Love, mon amour, has always been a good stress--!"

The blond man was interrupted by two hands snatching his collar and dragging him away. Antonio chuckling apologetically while Gilbert glared at the French man.

"I'm sorry about that." Antonio winced.

"No, no. I-It's fine?" Toris wasn't sure if that was the appropriate answer.

"Can't you control your libido for one second, pervert?" Gilbert growled.

"Says the man who was flirting with a woman, in front of children mind you, just a few minutes ago!" Francis retorted.

"Don't compare me with you, you French whore!" Gilbert whacked the man with his free hand.

Antonio heaved a deep sigh. "I guess we better go. Lovino, I'm leaving!"

"You mean you haven't already, bastard?" Lovino barked.

"Bye, Mathieu! Papa will miss you, mon petite!" Francis cried as he was dragged bodily away by his two "dear" friends.

"Bye Papa!" Matthew chirped, waving goodbye.

Toris wiped his forehead. Glad to finally be rid of the last parents. Oh but wait! Who was that sitting in the corner? All curled up and hidden? If the man thought he could pass off as a five-year-old, well... He was either delusional or a desperate parent. Toris had heard of these people. His colleague Katyusha often spoke of them. Finding the lot troublesome.

Toris approached the man with caution. "Um, sir? Class is starting? You have to leave."

Arthur waved the man off. "Oh no. Don't worry about me! I won't be much of a bother."

"But sir--!"

"Shush! I think he saw me!" Arthur put a finger to his lips, eyes darting back and forth.

Toris wondered if he should phone the police. This man sounded crazy.

"Dad?" A little boy toddled over. He was wearing a Captain America costume. If Toris thought that was strange, he did a good job of hiding it.

"Ah, ah. He-Hello, there Al-Alfred..." Arthur shakily greeted. The jig was up.

"DAD!! What are you still doing here? You have to leave!! Class is starting!!" The boy named Alfred yelled. Hauling his father from the corner.

"But, I was only going to stay for the first half hour! I swear! Just to make sure you were making friends!" Arthur explained.

Pushing his father through the doorway, Alfred glared at his dad. A blush heating his cheeks. "I do have friends, Dad. That's why you have to leave. You're embarassing me!"

With that, Alfred shut the door. Leaving a broken-hearted father behind it.

Arthur slumped down into the ground. "Why... Dammit...Why?"

His lower lip wibbled when he felt a hand pat him on the shoulder. He looked up.

Francis smiled back down at him. His face a little too close. "So, you were kicked out too?"

Arthur raised an eyebrow, and was about to make a confused comeback, when he felt the hand (previously on his shoulder) slide down to his lower back. He stiffened. Shock and outrage paralyzing him as fingers brushed against his ass.

"You-You-!" Arthur managed to choke out. A mean left hook sending Francis sprawling into the ground. "You perverted gitface!"

"Now, now! No harm in good clean fun, am I right?" Francis swallowed nervously.

Arthur's response was to crack his knuckles.

Toris jumped as he heard several painful snaps and screams filter through the closed door. Goodness! Whatever could be happening?

"Ah! No! That doesn't bend that way!!"

Toris shuddered. Know what? He didn't want to know.

Tuning out the horrifying sounds, Toris brought his full attention to his class. An excited grin on his face. Alright. Here goes nothing!

Clearing his throat, Toris called the room to order. "Alright everyone. If you would please find a place to sit? Anywhere around a table is fine."

The children all nodded, much to his relief, and swiftly followed orders. All vying to get a seat beside newly found friends.

But poor little Feli, too preoccupied with Maman, didn't have such an oppurtunity to interact with her peers. She knew not who to sit with, and instead, opted for a fairly empty table. Fervently hoping someone would come sit next to her.

Tiny Kiku, also robbed of his chance to interact (troublesome younger brother and all), approached the lone Feli. Nearing the girl, for surely she must be a female, with the slightest bit of hesitancy. He had very little experience dealing with other kids. Much less one of the opposite gender. To be quite frank, he had no idea what the hell he was doing. But he had to try right? To be recognized as an equal in the world… er, classroom, he had to show the Western powers… That is to say his classmates, he was no pushover.

"おはようございます. M-May I sit here?" Kiku managed to stutter out.

Feli beamed, positively radiating with joy. "Ve~!"

Kiku took that as a yes, pulling out a chair and making himself comfortable. He smiled politely, wetting his lips.

"So-So, ano, what is your name? I am Honda Kiku." Kiku then tried to bow. Forgetting, for a moment, that he was seated at a table. And thus, bending down too far, he banged his forehead against the wooden surface.

"My name is Feli." Feli chirped before crying out worriedly. "Are you okay?"

Kiku nursed his bruised forehead, a blush rising to his cheeks. How shameful! He had dishonored himself. And his family! He must commit seppuku and die an honorable death! But alas, Yao-nii took his sword!

Time for Plan B.

"F-Feli was it?" Kiku began, switching the subject. His hands now folded firmly upon his lap. "M-May I call you Feli-chan?"

A bit bold, Kiku had to admit. But one had to start somewhere…

Feli giggled. "No."

"Eh? But-But-!" And they were getting along so well!

"Feli-chan-no."

Okay, now he was confused. "I'm sorry?"

"Feli's my nickname. Feliciano is my real name."

Kiku blinked. "Feliciano? Isn't that a boy's name?"

"It is." Feli nodded, none the less abashed.

Kiku looked under the table. Yes, Feli was indeed wearing a skirt. "But-But you're a girl, right?"

"Um… I'd like to think so. Sì." Feli answered.

Kiku blinked again, gazing long and hard at Feli. Then, politely, he excused himself. Standing up and slowly walking away. It was official. Foreigners were weird.


	4. Chapter 4

"If you think for one second, that I'm going to sit next to you, Potato-head… Then you're dumber than you look!" Lovino announced, crossing his arms angrily.

"I didn't want to sit next to you anyways." Ludwig replied, smirking.

And it was true. Ludwig already had his eye on sitting with a certain, little girl. With reddish-brown hair. Who occasionally said, "Ve~!" And now that the Asian boy had left, Ludwig saw his chance!

"Bastard!" Lovino huffed, heatedly. Opening his lunchbox and taking out a fresh tomato. He had been saving it for lunch but Romano believed it could serve a higher purpose. By wiping that smug smirk off Ludwig's face!

Ludwig's eyes narrowed. Seeing the gears in Lovino's head turning. Oh no! He wasn't about to ruin _his_ oppurtune moment with his dream girl. No way, no how!

Reaching into his pocket, he took out his water pistol. He took it with him everywhere. It was his most treasured toy. Not to mention, it made him feel cool. (Just call him Bond, Ludwig Bond)

Lovino eyed the pistol. He had not counted on Ludwig being armed! A look of apprehension flashed on his face. But still he did not yield.

The two were at a stand off. Both boys poised and ready to duke it out. Tension was mounting—

"GUYS! STOP IT!"

The sudden shout startled the pair, nearly out of their skin. They turned sharply to the source, only to blink when their gaze fell upon Matthew. The blond nervously grasping at his teddy bear.

Oh… They forgot he was still here…

"Didn't you leave already?" Ludwig blankly asked, lowering his pistol.

"Eh?! No! I've always been here!" Matthew cried, half-muffled by his stuffed toy.

Lovino scowled. A bit miffed he got interrupted. But, now that he thought about it, he'd really rather not get into any trouble. Besides, a tomato would be such a waste to use on Potato-bastard. It would be far, far better to eat it. Honestly, what had he been thinking?

Shaking his head, the little Italian merely walked away. He'd get his revenge some other time. After all, vengeance was a dish best served chilled, right? Lovino could wait.

"Oh no…" Matthew fretted. He didn't mean to make Lovino mad! He just didn't want a scene. That much attention, on the first day too, would simply be nerve-wracking.

Ludwig, on the otherhand, grinned wolfishly. Victory was his! Now to claim his prize.

Stuffing the pistol back into his jean pocket, Ludwig turned towards Feli. Hurriedly stalking, that is walking towards the girl. _Please let no one sit beside her!_

"Come on! I found a place to sit!" Ludwig called over his shoulder. Nearly forgetting about Matthew once again. Though in all honesty, it would be much better if Matthew didn't join them. Then it would only be him and _her_. Alone. _Together_. Ludwig flushed a brilliant shade of scarlet.

"Oh! Wait!" Matthew called behind him. Darn, he was coming after all.

In reality, Mathew didn't really have much of a choice. He only knew two people in the entire classroom. And since Romano was mad at him (or so it seemed), he was given only two alternatives. Sit with Ludwig. Or sit alone.

Now sitting alone would be lonely. And he really didn't feel up to meeting new people. So, sit with Ludwig it was.

Ludwig approached Feli first. His apprehension sky-rocketing at such close proximities. As a result, his brain melted. No, seriously. You could see it leaking out of his ears. (Or was that earwax? ew) And Ludwig lost control of his body functions. Thankfully, not his bladder, But unfortunately over his voice box, and a majority of his limbs. Or maybe it was just Tourette's. (Heaven knows, his father has it)

"MAY I SIT HERE?!" He shouted. Pulling out the chair so violently it toppled over.

Poor Feli, not understanding why someone was yelling at her, could only blubber out a response. "Please don't hurt me! I'll do anything!"

Ludwig took that as a yes. Hey, she said she'll do _anything_.

Matthew arrived shortly after. Brow furrowing as he watched Ludwig slam his head unto the table. Maybe following him was a bad idea?

Feli, meanwhile, could not understand why people kept banging their heads against the desk. Was it what people do in kindergarten? But didn't it hurt? She was so confused.

Ludwig, for his part, just wanted to hide his red-red face. It had just hit him. He had no idea what the hell he was doing. All his father's lust, yet none of his wit. Gee, thanks dad.

Matthew, figuring he was here now, sighed deeply. Causing Feli to squeak.

"Eek! A ghost! Please don't eat me, Mr. Ghost!" She cried.

"What? Me? I'm not a ghost!" Matthew replied, indignant.

"It talked! The ghost talked!" Feli covered her head, trembling.

"I'm NOT a ghost! I'm standing right in front of you, for pity's sake!"

Feli blinked, looking up. "Ve, when did you get here?"

Matthew threw his hands up in the air. "I've been here— Look, can I just take a seat?"

"Can ghosts sit?"

"I'm not a ghost! I'm Mat-thew! Matthew!"

"Who?"

Matthew pulled out a chair. Palm meet face. Face meet palm. (I'm sure you'll be seeing more of each other. Get along well now!). "Oh, just forget it!"

"Okay!" Feli chirped, a little too happily.

"Hey, hey, hey! Can Peter sit here too? Everywhere else is full…" A blond boy, with bushy eyebrows, bounced towards them.

"Ve! Sure!" Feli nodded happily.

"Yay! Thank You!" Peter plopped himself beside Ludwig. "Y'know, they wouldn't let me into the other tables. They says I'm not a kindergartner. They says I'm too young. But Peter is a kindergartner! He is! He is!"

And Feli believed him.

Looking around the table, Feli was so surprised how full the table was. The desk, that had looked so huge and wide, now seemed so small. Feli decided she liked it. Being around people was so much more fun than being alone. Being alone felt yucky. Like the time when Grandpa fell asleep in the wooden box. And then they buried him!

Feli wondered if being buried was comfortable. But she sure hoped Grandpa would wake up soon. She missed him.

"Well, if this isn't the best table I've seen yet?" Toris walked up them, interrupting Feli's thoughts. "You did a wonderful job!"

The table beamed, glowing under such high praise. Except for Ludwig. Who was still buried in his arms.

Toris frowned worriedly. A gentle touch prodding the boy on the shoulder. "Are you okay? Does your tummy hurt?"

"I'm fine!" Ludwig declared, looking up. Eyes meeting with Feli's, and down he went again.

Toris raised an eyebrow. Kids these days.

Shrugging, he moved to the front of the room. Surveying his class with barely held excitement. His students were simply doing so well! Why, if the year kept up like this, he might even consider taking on a second class!

"Splendid, everyone! Let's all give ourselves a hand for such good effort" Toris cheered, putting his hands on his hips. "Alright, now for some introductions!"

Jabbing his thumbs towards himself, he grinned. "My name is Mr. Toris Lorinatis. But you can just call me Toris. I will be your kindergarten teacher for the whole year. Let's work hard together, okay?"

His class chorused in reply. Toris's smile grew bigger. "Right! And this is my assistant. Mr. Raivis Galante. Please treat him kindly."

Toris gestured to a shaking teenager. Poor Raivis. He was just doing this for college. He heard that a history of volunteer jobs helps your resume. But after the trauma he's been through? Assuming he comes out of this alive (or at the very least with his sanity), Harvard better be begging him to enroll!

"Hmm… I suppose his name is a bit hard to say. Mr. Galante, do you have any nicknames we can call you by?" Toris inquired, tapping his chin.

At least his boss was nice.

"Um, that is—"

But before Raivis could get a word out, a blond boy with bowl cut hair, wearing thick-framed glasses, announced, "I call him Latvia! Cause he's from Latvia! He told me so! I'm his neighbor, see?"

Raivis was grateful to the boy. Honest he was. Eduard did save him from that dogpile of children… But the boy could get annoying sometimes.

"Hey! How come he has a relative in class?!" Im Yong Soo piped up. "That's not fair!"

"Boys, boys! Please! If you wish to talk, you must first raise your hands! One is fine. Then you wait for me to call on you before you start talking. Okay?" Toris explained. Lightly rebuking the two.

"But-But it's not fair! I want my Yao-hyung! I want my Yao-hyung!" Im Yong Soo began to screech. His elder brother sighing heavily beside him. (What possesed him to sit beside his sibling anways? Oh, right... The foreigners)

Toris immediately dashed over to the boy. Kneeling by the Korean's side when Eduard raised his hand. He distractedly answered. "Yes, what is it?"

"Latvia is dying." Eduard answered flatly.

Toris blinked. Looking to where his assistant was. Or used to be. Though it didn't took too long to re-locate him. It's not that hard to find a fifteen-year-old in a room full of four-to-six-year-olds. Especially if said teenager was blond, Latvian, knocked out, and being dragged by a Russian girl not even half his size.

"LAAAAAAAAATVIAAAAAA!!" Toris found himself screaming.

Standing up, he hurried over to his assistant. Oh but wait, can't leave the class hanging.

"Talk amongst yourselves, for a moment! I'll be right back!" Toris stated, moving towards Natalia.

Kiku raised his hand, causing Toris to pause in mid-step.

"Yes, what is it?"

"Do we still have to raise our hands?" Kiku inquired.

"No, no. Raising hands is reserved only when _I'm_ talking. You don't have to do it when you're talking amongst each other." Toris speedily explained, just as he rushed to the quickly fleeing pair.

"I must be with Отец! I must be with Отец!" Natalia could be heard muttering. A devious plot obviously underway.

"No, Natalia! You can't!" Toris shouted.

The other children looked at each other. Shrugging. Well, the teacher did say talk amongst each other…

Ludwig, who finally got up the courage to crawl from his hiding hole, took advantage of this time. There's been a certain question that's been bothering him. And curiosity was just eating him away.

Turning to Feli, he swallowed nervously. Fighting back a blush. "Hey, um… who was that woman with you?"

"Ve? Woman? Oh, you mean my Mamma!" Feli chirped, happy to have the boy talking normally to her.

"Mamma? What's that?" Ludwig pressed. Shyness abandoned as his curiosity grew.

"Ve, a Mamma is that real pretty lady that loves your Papa very much. She kisses him and hugs him lots." Feli cheerfully supplied.

"Ah, I know what you mean!" Matthew chimed in.

His presence, up until that point, had been largely ignored. His "sudden appearance" caused Feli and Peter to jolt. And maybe Ludwig too.

"It's the ghost!" Feli cried, covering her head once more.

"A ghost?!" Peter shrieked, looking widly about.

"For the last time, I'm Matthew! Not a ghost! Didn't we already go over this?" Matthew yelled, affronted.

Feli unfurled herself. "Ve, but you said forget it."

Matthew twitched. Hello Palm. Hello Face. Nice weather we are having.

"Okay, I'm here! Hi!" Matthew waved to prove his point. "Anyways, I think I know what you mean!"

"Wait, so you're not a ghost?" Peter questioned.

"No, I am not! Will you please let me finish?"

A round of nods.

Matthew sighed, pulling Kumajiro closer to him. "Okay, as I was saying! I think I know what a Mamma is. If a Mamma is supposed to be all kissy and huggy to your Papa, then I know what she means. I get a different Mamma every night. But for some odd reason, they always leave in the morning. Is your Mamma the same?"

Feli shook her head. "I only have one Mamma. I've had the same one for forever! I don't get it."

"Is there something wrong with having more than one Mamma?" Ludwig asked.

"Why can't he have more than one Mamma?" Peter interrupted. "Peter has two Daddies!"

"So the really scary, tall guy wasn't a bodyguard?" Ludwig tilted his head.

"No, silly! He's Peter's other Daddy."

Now Feli was really confused. "But then how come I only have one Mamma, and one Papa?"

"I don't even have a Mamma! I only have a Vati!" Ludwig announced.

"What's a Vati?" Peter asked.

"It's another word for Papa, Dad, Daddy."

"Oh…"

The table fell into a cotemplative silence, while the children tried to puzzle out the problem.


End file.
